Tour Diary 2018
Arrived in Aberspleen dressed in impeccable flash mac style. Timing has never been my forte and it appears I have arrived at least a day early. Damo, the man servant of personal choice, checked me into my five-star hotel and ordered the appropriate amount of Bolly and champagne flutes (10 bottles and one flute if you care). Upon checking in and arriving in the room I immediately practice seminal shirt throw. Accident. £500 shirt lands on roaring fire. Luckily this was the cheapest garment I have taken on tour so my tears lasted only for thirty seconds. I completed my tour companion word-search book in record time. Boredom as you know by now is a plague and having rubbed my anti-ageing eyebrow cream on my iconic brows I decided it would be a treat to visit the band in their hotel. A treat for them you understand.
I hear a rumour that the band have decided on Premier Inn Hotels rather than Travelodge for this tour and as long as it costs less I do not care. Perhaps that loathsome Lenny Henry holds some sway over my touring party but he clearly holds no sway over his own career trajectory. Upon leaving the hotel I am accosted by what I perceive to be either a genuine Scottish man or Rab C Nesbit impersonator.
"Yousss Morrassay" this recalcitrant recidivist shouts rather threateningly in my lower left ear
I try and plead ignorance and tap feet impatiently as my plans evaporate like ideas of classical Smiths.
"Yousss denne know who I am do yousssssss?"
Apparently this Krankie hobbit was actually Nicola Blurgheon who is in charge of the largest political party in Scotland. The problems of England do not seem like problems now.
"Are ewe goin' to talk aboot the referendum" Nicola Sudsgeon rather innocently asks.
She clearly does not know the reception of my Der Stürmer interview.
On being reminded of my rather public fall from grace I immediately return to my hotel room, consume flutes of Bolly and play online monopoly. I win. For the first time in my life.