Who are the most attractive human beings that have ever caught your eye?
Myself. I cannot walk past a mirror without losing hours of my day. Once a glimpse, once a stare, hours of self engagement. I spent most of my before-adult life thinking I was a hunchbacked hermit whose sheer presence in public would induce vomiting even in those who suffer from Emetophobia. Now I can walk down most streets and turn the asexual into sex craved beasts with a single raise of the eyebrow. Considering the stress and tribulations I have endured throughout this existence that I never asked for I think it is remarkable for someone in his mid forties to only look 34.
Is Old Mozza worried about turning 60?
Considering I am only 45 I have not yet thought about turning 60.
Is life easier at 58 than 48?
Ask me when I reach 58. I am yet to reach 48. Why all the questions regarding my age?
You mentioned in a recent interview, when asked about money, that you have has a few nice cars. As I'm a complete petrol head and really am interested, what's your favourite extravagant car you've owned and why?
I read once in an interview that you liked watching people and recording observations in your notebook, but that there wasn't usually anything interesting to record. What is the most recent interesting observation in your notebook?
People are insufferable, make me feel old and furiously pine for the grave.
What is most unbearable Smith's questions or Boz's flatulence?
Both equal. One leaves the room smelling horrid and the other pollutes the mind.
How many pessoas do you have? Is it a proper word?
I have lost count but somewhere between 102 and 104.
What would Oscar Wilde say about this era?
Oscar would not have a voice in this current era. He would write as he could exist doing nothing else however the audience would not be there. His dinner party witticisms would be practiced in private for a public that would not exist. The only way Wilde would gain any sort of notoriety in this current climate would be to lower himself to Big Brother or Made in Chelsea or become a hollow chat show host. As Wilde would surely note “Why was I born with such contemporaries?”
In 1979, on Juke Box Jury, Bob Geldof was reviewing Love's Gotta Hold On Me by Dollar, and rather rudely said that acts like Dollar "constipated" the charts. What do you say to that?
For the love of God, will you PLEASE tell me what Italian film the clip that plays during your live rendition of I'm Not a Man comes from?
La città delle donne which you’ve never heard of.
What was the last film you have watched? Any recommendations I should watch?
Which would be worse for you, to lose your voice so that you could never sing again, or to lose your hearing so that you could never hear another song?
So many songs are awful so I would begrudgingly lose my hearing. I will never be able to listen to the classic songs however I have them engrained, entrenched, and stained in the brain. Why deprive people from hearing my majestic voice rise from the well of loneliness?
Being virtually anonymous on Twitter has allowed you to be yourself, do you feel liberated?
Liberated from what?
It has now been over 7 years since you appeared on Desert Island Discs. If you were to go on again today, which 8 songs would you choose?
World Peace is None of your Business
Staircase at the University
Kiss Me a Lot
Smiler With a Knife
One of Our Own
You expected me to answer seriously? Fine.
If Love were all – Alma Cogan
Backwater – Brian Eno
Lonesome Traveller – Marianne Faithfull
Sally – Gracie Fields
Mr Personality Man – Foundations
You Think You’re a Man – Divine
About the Weather – Magazine
The Last of the Secret Agents – Nancy Sinatra
Do you have your funeral planned?
Yes, I’ve been planning my funeral since age nine. Only recently however have I had the monetary ability to plan a funeral that is fitting for an artist of my intellectual and cultural standing. Dale Winton will be master of ceremonies; Terry Venables will be chief mourner, TRB and the BRS as the mutes, and Joyce as funeral jester. Failing that I will probably be buried at sea and not by choice.
You answered my question about your various birthdays saying that on your 28th your career was reborn, but actually in May 1987 you were recording Work is a Four Letter Word and I Keep Mine Hidden, so the Smiths were still very much a thing. Was your 28th birthday the last 'happy one' before finding contentment in your forties?
I’ve never been happy. I was content in recording these songs but little did I know Johnny felt above it all and would soon pull the plug. I’m sure he thought he would become renowned as a genius and Morrissey would have to retire in shame to a bedsit in Runcorn. Time was not on his side.
Were you saddened by George Michael's death? Did you respect him as a songwriter and singer?
No I was not, not in the slightest. The passing of Pete Burns upset me more and this is a man who would wear two gorillas before stepping outside the house. His voice was unbearable and his private life a mess.
What was the last book you have read?
How to win money and influence judges – Mike Joyce. Currently unpublished but lawyers informed me I am mentioned with striking regularity. Let it go Mike, let it go. You wouldn’t catch me harping on about something that happened decades ago when I was only 19.
As your LP in waiting has already been written, what is the working title?
You recently referred to your relationship with TRB being like 'peas in a pod'. You once mentioned in the chatroom that you and he were like odd socks. What has changed and what words would you use to describe your relationship today?
We have no evidence that peas in the pod actually co-exist. It could be an internecine affair as most affairs are. Today I would say we are student and teacher. I will not tell you which way round they go.
Do you have any pets? Are you planning to adopt any?
I currently have five pets but I do not plan on adopting any others unless one of the current crop decides the grass is greener, little do they know it is always greyer.
What do you think of Fernando Pessoa?
Who? Quite sure I invented the word Pessoa.
Who is your favourite photographer?
Currently William Mortensen
Liquorice or lemon sherbets?
Life is sweet enough when you look this good.
You once said that (I think it was in 2011-Dermott O'Leary interview), that you are actually a good cook but never do cook. So how the bloody hell do you know you're a good cook?
The meals I cook up in my mind taste divine.
Can we expect a concept album?
Who do you think I am? Olly Murs? He has released album after album with the concept being the music should be horrid and the lyrics worse than a snot-nosed child with ADHD.
I am concerned that if you keep on twirling bras around on stage that you will encourage more bra throwing. Why do you think this is happening now, and why bras?
I cannot explain this recent phenomenon. People become animalistic once in the arenas. They give way to their natural impulses. Either this or they think Boz may need some new undergarments.
If you had the opportunity to share some shrewd words with your younger self what would you say?
As bad as things get they could always get worse.
You have said that you would never sing live again, " I know it's over ". It is such a beautiful song and one of my faves, why on earth would you not want to sing such a fantastic song again?
It is too raw and too emotional for me to sing now. Perhaps you would prefer to hear Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want?
On the subject of Dylan, he famously played the Isle of Wight in 1969, which remains one of the very few world famous venues/places that you haven't played. Do you have an ambition to play there & what other venues remain on your 'to play' list?
The ground of Dagenham Athletic. I will not play the Isle of Wight. Unless…
Have you ever thought about playing an instrument once again on a new song?
Never. One does not even tinkle when the group switches places in Speedway. Leave it to the experts, which is why I let Gustavo sing.
My question would be why does one question oneself, when the question one questions are nauseating?
The questions here have driven me to sea-sickness.
Are you likely to cover Ultravox's "Vienna"?
Not in this life or the next.
Where would you spend your ideal Summer?
In bed. Resting. Avoiding the forced good nature of the public
Are you afraid of death?
When one is barely alive one does not fear death just the prospect of living longer.
Who would call an end to the touring, you yourself, or would it be Boz having to call it a day due to family that would force your hand?
Boz does not figure in my retirement plans. I will say enough is enough when enough is enough.
Why do our thoughts change so suddenly from happiness to dread? Do you find that it's most frequent in the minds of those who think ahead to the future of life and purpose and death?
Consider yourself lucky if you have thoughts of happiness. I maintain that those who feel dread or are not just plain happy-go-lucky have-a-go merchants are the sensitive and intelligent types. I would not advise planning ahead to the future. We could all be wiped out by President Tramp soon enough.
In 2012 you berated Manchester council for not having honoured you in any way. Do you think they just don't realise your cultural importance yet?
They would rather give Bez the key to the city than give me the key to Debenhams.
You've had many people in your inner circle leave and well publicised fall-outs. For someone who has had a career as long as yours I guess it's the norm. But do you regret any off the fall outs or do you just feel it's the natural way of life / the world?
People use the exposure I give them to further their own careers. It is startling how loyal Boz has been and recently Matt and Jesse. I treat them as friends and they treat me like a friend. They defend me when I am defenceless. Do I regret fallouts? No, I cut people out of my life when they bore me which happens with regularity these days.
I've always thought you'd do well if you were to appear on TV as possibly a X Factor / The Voice judge. As it would set the record straight as many see you as the Pope of Mope etc, as I think many miss out on your humour. Do you agree? Would you consider it? Or would that be "selling out" in your opinion?
Absolutely not. Any humour would be above the intelligence of those who participate in the show as acts or those who vacuously watch them.
I couldn't help but notice on your latest mini tour that you have been wearing beige trousers (pants for some listeners). Was this an attempt to silence the constant whingeing in certain parts about your 'daddy jeans'?
I was unaware of any criticism regarding my dress. I am the embodiment of style.
You have signed with new management, but are you manageable?
Watch this space.
Do you have any unfulfilled dreams or anything that might bring regrets later in life for not having done or tried it?
To care less and to live more.
Is poetry dead?
Was it ever alive?
Typed by admin guy, all errors are due to this administrative human. One goes through admin guys quicker than lawyers and management.
*Morrissey’s note: No more interviews will be conducted with TRB or the BRS for several years. One does not stand around waiting to be interviewed. I have other things to be getting on with such as the latest instalment of Eastenders. I see Danny Dyer no longer presents this documentary which really tarnishes the experience. Perhaps they could ask Joey Barton. Although knowing the BBC they will ask Steve Davis.
**Morrissey’s note: Eastenders is a dud. Lee f****** Ryan? A facelift atop an apple.